@ Sunday, April 11, 2010
I went to a symphony concert just 2 days back.
And it really makes me think of all the things - about me.
What is my weakness what is my strength and what makes me to be what am i now.
I realise I'm kind of lucky.
Probably than the average of most of you.
I have almost everything.
I have abilities, not many but still there is some.
I have many interest. Almost want to do every single thing in life.
I did try some and all are half pail.
Some even not even there.
Some interest are still strong in me.
But the biggest thing that make me fail all the time are my emotions.
I have lack of control of them.
And the other is being superbly lazy.
And I was thinking...
What if I manage to learn them all, probably at least all basics or 50% of each of individual?
What will I be?
I'm a very useful person just that I'm not utilizing 1% of my ability at all.
Been doubting myself, on and on.
And I tell myself, within that 2hours of concert... Once i step out of the hall, I cannot feel like a failure. Emotions are emotions, the things that exist still remains the same as the way it is.
And I'm trying.
No more negativity, being emo.
It kills, and it's already at the stage of harming myself, like a rotting person.
I won't want to go any further.
I'm self harming all the time and no, this should stop.
This should be when I put a full stop.
Although times I can talk like this but times when I'm really down.
We are humans after all.
It's ok, but not all the time. probably once in a blue moon to ponder over things.
But after that series of episodes, I gotta get back to feet from where I last stand.
I'm the one who tell people 'you shouldn't be like this'
I should be the one practicing what i've preached.
empty promises, lies and not setting a good example to everyone.
I should, this time.
Life is topsy turvy for the past 1.5 months.
I enjoyed it though.
I can feel life is changing, looking for an answer.
The answer to change my lifestyle and everything.
I kind of happy with the people around me now.
Only a few of them, and I'm contented, like finally.
All those nonsense during daytime nighttime and all time, this should come to an end.
And I can do it.
Life is yours to change.
Don't blame god why your life suck, because you are the one who chose what you want to do and what you are doing now.