@ Saturday, October 23, 2010
It's like DreamLand all the time.
Got affected quite badly that I can even forget that I'm driving.
I always got to tell myself "Focus...Focus, Khloe...Focus...."
I went to GP few days back and try to get a medicine (which it work last time) because I have driving the following day.
Popped in two pills and went to sleep, next day.. I felt so unreal.
Drowsy? Giddy? Can't tell the difference.
And the pill never work this time. I feel drugged.
It got so bad that I almost lose balance while walking.
That I finally decided to goto the hospital for a check.
I took public transport to TTSH last night. Reason? Save money.
Walked to A&E and registered myself. Thank god I have a referral letter from my GP.
The doctor checked on me and said I'm pretty stable and normal. (Geez, I expected these will come out from him)
And I got a followup with an ENT Specialist next Thursday.
Prescribe me a medicine.
I looked at the paper..... "Prochlorperazine"
Familiar. It's the same one that my GP gave me and I felt drugged after eating it.
I was quite angry at that point. Spent $90 to A&E and got the same drug, and even got comments that "you look normal". (I know people will say "You would rather hear the doctor say you are normal than you got a terminal illness. Right?") I even gave him some description of what I'm feeling and he didn't even note that down in the records (cuz I got a copy of it). I knew these will happen that's why I didn't got check for all these years.
Waste of time, waste of money, waste of effort.... Yeah yeah yeah..
Somehow I know I shouldn't even bother going through this process.
I should just get a contact of a psychiatrist and go straight to it.
But well, probably I should just fix this Vertigo first. Or probably the specialist will have a better indepth findings from me..... Hmmmm (just can't stop thinking all the time..)
I went home furiously.
Not because of the doctor. It's I freaking took 1.5hours to get a cab and took me almost 2 hours to get home. Stubbornly, I didn't want to take public transport because I don't want the presence of people.
Lied on the bed and I dozed off. Slept the whole night - 10 freaking hours.
Thought I was ok when the moment I opened my eyes.
Not. I'm wrong. It's still the same. Same shit, like same old days.
Can't pop in any pills because I'm meeting customer later and I got to attend Roktober with my girlfriends. Not sure if I can drink. I shall see how it goes...
Feeling so screwed up.
Just can't wear off this feeling in me.
Complicated and frustrated.
I felt I'm wasting my life away cuz I can't be 'normal'. Disrupted my daily routine.
Even when I sit outside and someone is laughing so loudly beside me.. It will shock me and I will think how one person can be so enthusiastic and positive?
I hear things from them:
"HAHAHAHA, gosh this is so funny. Oh my god!"
"OH YEAH THAT STUPID GUY FROM THE NEWSPAPER. HOW DUMB RIGHT?"
"YES YES YES! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I treat you apple pie? Thanks againnnnn!!!! Bye!!!!!"
Wonder when's the last time hearing such from me? It could be just a week ago. Or longer.
I feel I'm like a dead person.
I've lost that spirit in me.
And now I'm losing my visual focus once again...... *big sigh*