@ Sunday, April 17, 2011
It's so true that inspirations flow in at 3 a.m., or even random thoughts that run through in your head are the things you want to bring it out for the longest time and they are the truth.
I got awaken by reality, unfortunately.
It's as though I'm going through mid-life crisis. More of like a quarter life crisis.
I'm starting to wonder, and all I can conclude is:-
I am lost and insecure.
I don't feel the same as I was. (Nobody does but this is a different feel.)
I feeling uneasy with certain things I'm familiar with.
I am more detached from reality than ever.
I wish I could shut this blog down and re-write the whole new thing.
But that will be a waste. After all, these histories are the blood and bones that makes me what I am now. They are my shadow.
It's a question or a quest at right this moment of my life to think of all the possibilities that it could possibly happen in the next few years or even the next hour. All I can think of is just one thing. Something that people will feel it's the easier way out and the most stupidest thing that we can do to get out from this rabbit hole. Suicide, that is. A word that is the easiest to voice but the hardest to do. And this explains why am I still typing till now.
And it won't be the next action till I find out what's the last thing I can fulfill.
I've told a friend that night in the cafe. I was speaking the truth.
"I've been waiting. Even how devastated I've been feeling, I still cling on to wait for a day where someone out there will appear in my life and tap on my shoulders to give me vision. Or it could be another way where one day I wake up and find it myself. Till now, it's not quite yet."
That's quite a bullshit. I mean it all proves that I'm not helping myself.
Maybe I've lost my thinking caps somewhere while running for all these years and I've been searching for it and got exhausted. I'm just tired for being tired.
And I hate myself for all these. Seriously just can't help it.
The thing for I am only near twenty three and I'm already feeling all these.
Quite sickening and I'm starting to doubt myself, once again.
You just can't be one. Because you don't have the wisdom to be one "for me".
I wish I have the courage to say my piece for another time. But I'm sure I will prove to you one day.