The leap of faith. @ Saturday, March 23, 2013
As I thought I will live happily in my new career, a new path, it went downhill instead.
The quarrels with Edwin never stopped, and probably it went silent.
You know, the scariest thing is not during war time. It's when things are in silence like as though nothing happened. That's a major problem.
I forced that line out of him. I thought he would never do that. In fact, I want him to say that because I have no reason why I have to be the bad person in the relationship.
It was mad. Real mad. I remembered that night was Valentines' Day. I was painting a canvas for him and thought I could get some pieces back together but never expect it all shattered that night. I never felt that bad towards a broken relationship because of the way he ended it. Gently is the word. I never felt so comfortable with his break up words than all the things he said for the past bad months. I thought I was fine but I broke down and dwell with my negative inner voice instead.
I couldn't get up, and my mom resigned my job on my behalf because I'm unfit for work.
"This is it."
I only have that thought at that moment. How nice can life be? I lost 3 things on the same day. My love, my career, myself. I have never expect I will be in this state in my life.
I have no idea what should I do. I felt like a kid, being stripped naked, owns nothing and have nothing. I never know how it feels like to be nothing until that day. It's depressing yet wonderful. Suddenly I felt my financial burdens are no longer there when they are still there. I don't feel anything that is tied up to me anymore. I have no idea what actually happened. I felt like I've just reborn. Yes, like a baby.
What are the chances to start anew in your life?
We usually change things one by one and we actually never experience a 'Brand New You'. We always think things may change when we change a job, a new house, a new relationship, or a new hobby. But in fact, a few months down after we change something, things felt like it falls back to the same old days. The same old feeling, the same old routine, and there's nothing new in your life at all.
If you think again, the change is in You. External changes are just temporary but what matters are what's in you and what's in your heart.
For my case, I start everything a new. I suddenly felt like I have no commitments. It's something that I can just leave this place without any regrets or anything to tie on to.
I confined myself to a few friends that period. And one told me "You didn't lost anything. You still have valuable things in you that no people and no one can take away. You have a good and kind heart, many chapters of heartwarming stories, and a rich entrepreneur experience for your young age. Who says Khloe has nothing?"
I will always remember those words. It's true. It doesn't matter how much money I have, who I'm with, where I stay, or what I do. The most important thing in life is to know who are you and what you have. Our skills, knowledge, memories, experience, kindness and the heart are intangible things that nobody can take them away. It seriously change my life perspective and it changes my directions and desire in life. I used to look at monetary value in things/objects. But now I look at the functional value in it. I'm glad I've changed.
Just when I was still in a state of lost, opportunity came knocking at my door. I was offered to goto China to work.
China? Work? Are you kidding me?
I was in shock. I ever thought of that idea a year plus ago and I thought it was impossible. I won't be accepted and might complicate things. But no, it's right here at my door.
Have you ever wish something to happen but when it comes, you hesitate and not accept it right away?
I bet many of you experienced this before. Because thoughts are just thoughts and there's no serious consideration in mind before.
I was given a weekend to think over it. And I rejected because it's just too sudden and I can't give up my life here for something new. I'm afraid of change. Then, another opportunity came in right again. I admit I'm fortunate. How many opportunities come knocking without you creating it? I did nothing. I just sit there and it comes.
For the 3 weeks I've been searching myself, I always thought I would work something related to my interest which will create passion at work. I've applied for a job in pet and sports industry but there's no news to it. I always believe things happen for a reason - yes, every of my friends know this line. If it's not yours, it's not yours. I didn't try to pursue into re-applying again because I know it's just not meant to be. (If only I can put my feelings and apply the same to relationship issues, I would be glad. Sadly, no.)
One fine day, there's a job opening and I thought I could try to start anew somewhere again. Later to find out, it's a bicycle company. It's all I wanted and all I wished for. I decided to go ahead, went through a good 45 minutes interview. They are willing to restructure my job position as they feel I'm a dynamic person and the current position is a bit dry for me. So I was given a few days to get my confirmation for the job.
Went I went back the same day, something bigger was offered to me, again.
Shit. Why is this happening? Just when I have decided what I want to do in life, something came and sweep me off from my position like a tsunami and throw me back to the starting line again.
Some may feel it's easy to weigh things out and decide. But no, hell no. I wouldn't want to simply weigh them and pick them with a blind fold. I don't want to sweep back again like before if it don't really work out. It's awful enough. It's not just a decision. It's a life decision. Something major that may resculpt my whole life path. It's a A or Z thing.
It took me overnight to make a decision. And that's where I decided to choose the path - "The Leap of Faith".
Some may think it's brainless and needless to say to choose "The Leap of Faith". To be honest, it's difficult. If I'm a third-party, I will think the same like everyone does. But when it comes to you at your shoes, it's a different story.
So, I decline my job application. Even though I got the news that I was actually almost accepted, I never regret this step. At least I know where do I stand. Even if Plan B fails and I can always return back home and start anew. There's always something in me that I'm not far worse than anyone else. Although people may think I'm better than many others, I still choose to fall back to my humble side. Or maybe it's got to do with my self-esteem. (hah.)
It will be an interesting journey in few months ahead. I hope it will work out well.